Steroids

What story has been a major staple in the world of sports for the past few years? This topic is steroids, it started with baseball and it has slowly seeped in to other sports having congressional hearings for a lot of the leagues in the United States. I’m still waiting for the day that a tiny little gymnast (Dominique Mocheanu-esque), or figure skater (Sasha Cohen-esque) is stripped of her medals or titles and banned from the sport because of their alleged steroid use. The steroids debate has sparked a few of my own questions and got me thinking about how steroids could improve or ruin my life.

The first question I have is why in hell is our nation’s congress holding these hearings at a time when our country is at war. You would think that they would be concerning themselves with ways to end this war and not worrying about a few athletes trying to get an upper hand on the competition.

My second question why after all the debate did congress give the players accused of cheating so many freaking chances. If you get caught killing someone you broke the law and you’re going to jail. It should be the same minus jail time; I think the shame of getting kicked out of league because of cheating is punishment enough.

So I was thinking steroids could make my life a whole lot better. I would first and foremost gain a lot more muscle, instantly making me better at certain sports because I would not get pushed around by guys or girls for that matter that are bigger than me. This aspect is a big plus for me and my competitive nature. It would also make me more appealing to the opposite sex, which in my eyes is always a huge plus. I would no longer by the tall skinny goofy guy, but I would be the tall jacked goofy kid (I’ve come to grips with the fact that no matter how much muscle mass I have, I will always be goofy. It’s more of a personality trait rather than a physical trait). Some might say well Joe what about the whole shrinkage aspect of steroids…I don’t want to brag, but I can afford it.

Now all the benefits from steroids I am still not blinded to the negative aspects that go with steroid use. People on steroids sometimes get injured a lot easier than people who are not, but if doctors give you steroids to heal faster, than just take more steroids heal faster and get jacked at the same time. There is also the fear of “Roid” Rage, I’m a pretty laid back guy and I rarely get to the point of Rage and my coaches always say I play better when I’m angry, so something that would make me more intense in competitive situations, is a plus.

So there are a lot of pros to steroids. And even with the cons I can find justification in why I should use and abuse steroids. So I’m ready to get this habit started so if anyone reading this knows where I can get affordable steroids, send me the info.

Joe the Intern Signing off…

Let Jim In

Tonight Jim Rice will throw out the first pitch tonight at the Nashua Pride game. This led me to my next question I will pose to the baseball gods…how come Jim Rice is not in the Baseball Hall of Fame? I mean he is one of the best Left Fielders in the history of the league, not to mention one of the greatest Red Sox left fielders right behind Teddy Ball Game and Yaz. After an in depth statistical analysis I have found Jim Rice’s Career batting statistics and cross referenced them with the Left Fielders that are already in the Hall at Cooperstown using baseball-almanac.com. Here are some of my findings.

Jim Rice’s Career Stats:
BA: .298
HR: 382
RBI: 1451
OBP: .352
Slugging %: .502
*Hits: 2452
Runs: 1249
*Errors: 66
*Not listed on baseball-almanac.com

Jim Rice had a Batting Average of .298 for his career. Not astounding but it is respectable considering the fact that there are five left fielders already in the Hall of Fame that have lower Career Batting Averages. So how is it that the list of left fielders in the Hall does not include Jim Rice based on the aspect of Batting Average? He is right in the mix with this category. I just don’t understand it, and I’m just getting started explaining my case.

382 HR’s is more HR’s than thirteen guys on a list of eighteen. This is a staggering amount of guys to be higher than especially in a society that loves the long ball. I mean look at the amount of media coverage Barry Bonds gets every time he stepped up to the plate in an attempt to pass Babe Ruth on the all time HR list. This is another lone statistic that gives him instant access to the hall.

1451 RBIs higher than everyone on the list but eight, I don’t know how long I can keep going saying the same exact thing about every statistical category. Despite this, it needs to be done, because he is higher in every category than at least one guy. He may not be the highest in any category but he is certainly not the worst.

The only category that he is in the lower portion is his On Base Percentage. He was not known for his speed so I am willing to let him slide on this one even if he was the last guy on the list. Even so, he was still higher than one, Lou Brock, who he was higher than every statistical category that was listed on except Runs scored.
So how is it that Jim Rice is not in the Hall? His eligibility to get voted into the hall is winding down rapidly and I feel that is my duty as an active member of Red Sox Nation (Member 00067543) to give this guy a pretty decent push and at least make my readers knowledgeable about how much of a travesty it is that Jim Rice is not in the Hall of Fame.

Joe the Intern Signing off.

MV Papi, Patriots Training Camp

The past week all of Red Sox nation were fortunate enough to see “Mr. Clutch” David Ortiz hit two walk off hits in three games. Can you believe this guy? I heard a stat that said the Ortiz has come up to bat in a situation that could win the game 16 or 17 times since he has been in a Red Sox uniform and he has won the game 15 or 16 times. That is absolutely unbelievable, it is getting to the point where Ortiz could come up in the bottom of the 9th and the Sox could be down by 5 and I expect him to hit a walk off home run right there and the game would be over. I know it’s not possible but this is how much faith I have in the man they call Big Papi. With it being August it is time to start my now annual campaign for David Ortiz as AL MVP. So if you’re someone who actually gets to vote and you are reading this please take into consideration the overall “awesomeness” of David Ortiz.

Starting in 2005 and going right up until today Ortiz has 84 HR’s, 253 RBI’s, and 147 extra base hits. His batting average this season is less than desirable at .286, but he has a .390 OBP and a .614 Slugging percentage. He leads the Majors in Home Runs (37) and Runs Batted In (105), as well as placing 2nd in runs (80). These numbers shout MVP just like the chants that are about to start in late August and early September at Fenway Park when the Red Sox are in town and David Ortiz is up to bat.

I brought this up last October with the DH factor and I will say one more time…who gives a fuck?! This season Ortiz has played 9 games compared to the 10 games he played in 2005, he has played 60 innings at first base and has only one error. Lets look at the current MVP Alex Rodriguez who has a staggering 18 errors for a former Gold Glover in 2002, and 2003. This tidbit has earned him the nickname as E-Rod. So lets take advice for my t-shirt that I am selling which pleads for an Ortiz MVP selection in 2006. A-Rod is not my MVP.

In other news, I played golf yesterday and even though my round was sub par, I got this priceless piece of information from my friend Michael Z-Block, that the reason for when Edgar Renteria sucked and Manny wanted out of Boston in 2005 was this…Manny was banging Renteria’s wife. This info he says came from journalists sitting behind him at a recent Red Sox game, but I couldn’t resist bringing it up in my blog. This rumor makes sense since Manny dropped his trade request shortly after the Sox shipped Renteria off to Atlanta. This got me wondering how often athletes have sex with teammates wives. Does it happen often? Do athlete’s wives compare notes? I don’t know but it’s a fun thing to think about.

I recently went to Foxboro to Gillette Stadium to watch a New England Patriots practice. It was my first time in the actual stadium, and I have to be honest, it is about 100 times better than the dump that is better known as Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia. As for the practice, Seymour, Bruschi, Branch, Harrison, and a couple other key players were not there for various reasons, like Branch’s hold out for a new contract, Bruschi’s broken or sprained wrist, but Golden Boy Tom Brady was present and it was almost like seeing Jesus up close. Honestly I would much rather see Jesus up close, but if you were to make a SAT analogy comparing New England Patriots Football to Jesus it would look like this…Jesus is to Christians as Tom Brady is to Pats Fans. Enough said.

Joe the Intern Signing off.